To that one person,
I know you are not reading this, but still be patient with me. There are certain things I cannot tell the people close to me, and I just needed someone I could send my messages. Even though I know you basically, you are still a stranger to me because we’ve never met. I do not even exist for you. I just want to vent out. I am right now at the edge of confusion. I hate myself so much because I am so jealous about a lot of things. I thought I am okay with myself. But I am not! Aisshh! I hate myself to the point that I see a faceless woman in front of the mirror.. This is crazy. Because of my pride, I cannot tell my family and friends what I am going through. I never wanted to cross the line and be stalking and sending you messages. But I know it has the least chance to be read, at least some stranger in the universe knows my story. I won’t give up! I will fight fair with this struggle, but the F***i** question is HOW? God help me.
Everyone has a right to that kind of privacy.😍
Haha😅 Trying hard to laugh out what’s inside of me. I really had no reason to laugh, even big time comedy shows and movies are tear jerkers. But I wanted to try, because I wanted to lighten up the burden. I sat down and tried to remember every single memory that made me burst into laughter in the past, then I caught one.
It was a memory of me and him eating at Dunkin Donuts somewhere downtown, it was bavarian filled donut he was munching when he laughed suddenly for no reason and the ecru colored filling started to drip out of his mouth looking like a coughed out phlegm (disgusting!😁) and the persons adjacent to our table saw it, and they were like..EEWW!😨 (big time!) then I bursted into laughter that I had hard time catching my breath and my eyes were already wet of tears (tears of laughter!😍), he was like.. hey! Stop it! You’re embarassing me.. haha😅😂 Hilarious!
Now that I caught that one memory I’m trying so hard to laugh about it. I laughed so hard, thinking wow! it’s working. But a minute later I found myself crying so hard, so hard that caused my chest to tighten. The only memory that would make me laugh when I think of it is now what triggers all the pain I’ve been containing all by myself. Epic fail! Why can’t I just smile and laugh without feeling all the pain? Ah.. maybe because I haven’t embraced acceptance yet. I just can’t and I think I won’t.😭
Photo credit: kickofjoy.com
This complicated feeling of pain, I’m frightened to understand.
Because the knowledge of clarity and truth will sink my heart in despair.
© 2016 KazeLeeG.