I’ve been into journaling for more than a decade now, but that’s on and off. But most of my days are recorded as I am unstable in many ways and I needed that. My mouth speaks words my mind does not say, words my heart does not feel – they are all incoherent.
Pretentious, dishonest and a hypocrite. Words that people describe me all my life. Am I affected? Yes of course I am. If they aren’t true, why am I affected? This I don’t know, I don’t know if it’s true or not. I wear my feelings on my sleeves – this is being pretentious. I tell you what I like about you before I tell you what are those that I don’t – this is dishonest. I am okay even if I am not – this is hypocrisy.
My constant question is – is it just me?
Why am I telling you this?🤔 I don’t know honestly.
How was your weekend? Me? It was a hectic one. First thing, I spent money wherein I shouldn’t, because I’m not earning nowadays. Then I ditched an old friend on her special day – she got mad obviously; so she wanted me to cope up with what I did and told me she will fetch me from home and that we’ll eat breakfast at her place – which I again rejected because my best friend would be very jealous. Though I attempted to tell my best friend that I wanted to eat breakfast with another friend because this and that – unfortunately,she just ended up mad. Now I’m asking myself, what mess did I just put myself into?
If I’ll put expression on your face while reading this, you would definitely be rolling your eyes thinking, she’s an adult so how can her friends affect her decisions? Hahaha You got me! It’s not that they affect me but it’s a choice I chose, I usually do not like to make my friends feel bad and I do not want the competition they are having right now. I just do not have the guts yet, but to my best friend “you just have to learn to share a bit.” That would solve everything else.
That’s how hectic my weekend was. Oh gawd! but today’s a different story. From hectic it leveled up to being dreadful. Well, I don’t want to tell you stuff that would make you choke on your food but my day was hell like (pervert problems haha). Just a hint, a boyfriend of a friend did something so outrageous (did an exhibition with his thingy and sent it to me). Problems came right at me like raindrops one after the other. Whew! Well, I don’t want to put the burden of all of them on you. I’m happy with just this.Thank you again for being there. Like you always do.
I am wondering how have you been lately. If you missed my stories? or are you even wondering whether I am fine or not? hehe I hope you are always fine, healthy and comfortable. I apologize for I am not able to send you letters recently; I got so hooked up with the mess I was in for the past weeks. Nobody knew how much I cried that night. It’s as if the fires of hell was on me. How have you been? I just hope you could comfort me right now. One tight hug from you would be enough, enough to make me feel better and gain the strength to fight again for tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know, I may be in trouble but I never forgot you; I am still here somewhere. I still exist.
I know you are not reading this, but still be patient with me. There are certain things I cannot tell the people close to me, and I just needed someone I could send my messages. Even though I know you basically, you are still a stranger to me because we’ve never met. I do not even exist for you. I just want to vent out. I am right now at the edge of confusion. I hate myself so much because I am so jealous about a lot of things. I thought I am okay with myself. But I am not! Aisshh! I hate myself to the point that I see a faceless woman in front of the mirror.. This is crazy. Because of my pride, I cannot tell my family and friends what I am going through. I never wanted to cross the line and be stalking and sending you messages. But I know it has the least chance to be read, at least some stranger in the universe knows my story. I won’t give up! I will fight fair with this struggle, but the F***i** question is HOW? God help me.