Smoking is a habit I quitted years ago. I quit because of health reasons, not because I wanted to. I started smoking in middle school, and I like it because I thought it looks cool. Since the day I decided to stop sucking the smoke out of that cigarette butt, I started to hate every single bit of its existence. The smell, the smoke itself, the nicotine and the stains. I started to hate it that I even sounded like my best friend and my sisters who used to scold me during those days. Oh well, people change.
What is this?
One day, I just started babbling, what to do? What to do? It’s because I’m freaking craving for a smoke, after the long years of living without it. I think I’ll be out of my sanity if I don’t. I just needed to. This scenario of panicking to grab a stick was triggered, simply because I was watching videos of T.O.P. and GDragon smoking during their after party in Taipei. And I was freaking shouting like a teenager, Oh My God! How can smoking be so sexy? How can their cigarettes look so yummy? I was being crazy and all that for a minute I forgot I’m not a teenager any more. That I’m a parent who needs to be a role model and that I have a health condition that will be severed if I smoke.
All the while I was thinking, T.O.P. and GDragon can be great endorsers of cigarettes. Each puff is sexy enough to make you say, can I try? And each time the cigarette smoke comes out of their lips, you will definitely say, you can blow them all to me. Goodness gracious! What am I doing? I’m making myself sound so childish amidst my age. Well, I just have to share this. Really! Because it’s the first time since I quit that I allowed myself to be tempted (take note: they are not even right in front of me..) to light a cigarette and place it in my lips. Don’t worry! I’m totally fine and nobody knew it but you, and wasn’t able to finish the whole stick either. I just had to do it, to eventually stop the crazy craving! T.O.P. and GDragon you two were amazing and one of a kind, making something deadly so sexy and tempting is cloud nine. Terrific.
I felt great to know that I am still human, *wink* I can still get tempted. But it’s just for that moment where I allowed myself to be overly excited and experience a manic episode. Lets try not to be carried away by our extreme emotions (I should only tell this to myself). Still this doesn’t mean that I’ll stop following T.O.P. and BIGBANG, smoking is a choice and soon they will be able to choose a different option.
Photo Credit: To their rightful owners.
Finally, it came to me that worshiping God is like coming out of a dark tunnel into a beautiful paradise. When I’m struggling to fight for the light while in that dark tunnel, I cry out for God’s presence, and ask Him to meet and save me. I plead to Him to pour His spirit over me. After all the crying out and pleading for His presence, I got discouraged so fast. It’s because I thought that after all those prayers asking for help and seeking for His protection, nothing happened. I turned my back on Him, thinking I could make it without His words and help, but I was wrong. Everything went bad and the dark tunnel where I used to be became more darker than it has been. Every day became more difficult and painful to endure, as every struggle came after the other, like how waves rush to the shore.
I became devastated! As if nothing could be of help to me. On a regular day of me battling these battles of life, finances, business and faith, a thought came to mind. A thought that made me remember the moments I cried my heart out to God and asked help, are the moments where the tunnel still have tiny rays of lights from tiny holes. I cried and seek for His forgiveness, realizing that a dark tunnel with tiny rays of light is better than the darker one I am in right now. I seek for His word, the truth of God’s word: John 4:24 24 “God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” I contemplated on this and realized that if all I have is earnest desire but no truth in my prayers or vice versa, I can desire all I want but won’t be able to go anywhere, instead I would be staying in the same place I am, and loosing every inch of hope and faith. Faith in God needs spirit, earnest desire and truth altogether.
I started praying for the spirit to come upon me and bless me with the right desires and to enlighten my mind as well as open my heart for the truth of God’s words. All at God’s right time, prayers are answered. My faith made me endure every challenge life is to throw at me.
As I surf the web looking for something interesting I saw an article that talked about the biography of one of the members of a South Korean boy band and how this member was as a person prior his involvement with an entertainment company. What caught my attention with this article was the statement saying: “He was originally rejected by the record label, which deemed him too chubby to fit the idealistic version of an idol.”Just by mere looking at him, no one would believe he was once rejected. It made me more curious every single day about the story of his success, because I wanted to share his story to my son who is also chubby and who also wanted to be in the music industry how inspiring and how determination pushed him to achieve his dreams. This also caused the start of my journey, from just being curious how he got where he is right now, then being a regular into reading more articles written about him, his success stories, his struggles and watching his interview clips, random videos and documentaries.
This now became a habit eventually became a routine, a routine where right after attending all the needs of my precious boys and before doing anything else, I make it a point to check on what’s up with him. I started learning his country’s language; this is to better understand him when he utters words that are not in the subtitles provided. His unique voice while telling his stories became my tranquilizer. He became an additional dose to my regular intake of my vitamins; my husband and son. A seasoning that added flavour to the main dish, called life of a wife and mother.
My everyday starts with cuddles from my husband and son. Preparing stuffs that the two most important beings in my life needs to start their day. After all have been settled with my boys, next thing would be is to watch him on V Live and check out what’s new and latest about him and his band members as well on Naver. Whether there are new video clips or not, I still always start my day this way, even with just old uploaded videos. Additional to the cuddles and love I get from my boys, his smile and silly jokes make me start my day right. His music gave me energy to last a day without my boys. Listening to him and his group members sing, gives me endless thoughts of how happy life is. A lot from what I wrote where random thoughts I had while listening to him and his members.
I may sound absurd and all, because of my age I know it’s a bit odd and that I am also a happily married lady and a mother to a loving son, but in honesty, if I never had the chance to come across that article on the web, I would have been the same boring person I was. I know how to laugh and joke around but I never get the feel of being excited and to have fun. He gave me another reason to enjoy life and have fun like a teenager. Enjoy life like how he and his group members enjoy it. Have fun like a teenager, because I sound like a teenager who screams for their most wanted K-Pop Idol. These stuffs became exciting and fun for me, because as an adult facing plenty of life’s challenges, I tend to forget my struggles when I watch him and his group members perform, also I feel calmed when I listen to their music.
My husband is a little older than I do, he is not the serious type of person (he is funny in plenty ways, actually!) but he is very loving and hard working; however, the things he get to enjoy are not of what makes me excited. So we don’t go along well with stuffs like these. My husband and I just get along well when it comes to matters and concerns about our precious son. And when it comes to my son, I have all the patience for him, but sometimes I don’t get along well with his stuffs either, because I’m an old school and he doesn’t like it that much.
After reading that article and when I started to give interest to this particular member of a K-Pop male group, a lot changed. I started to listen to a different music genre, Hip-Hop. My boys are also into Hip-Hop music, where before this genre sounded a bit like noise to me, instead of hearing it as music. Now, I’m a Hip-Hop fan and my boys were happy about it. I started to get interests in travel, where I originally don’t give time. I also started to believe that talent can be acquired; through the help of certain academies that offer workshops. This member I got interested in is not really into dancing, but when I watch him perform, he can actually nail it. And all these changes made my relationship to my boys’ way better than before. Now, all the three of us listen to his solo music and to his group’s music as well. What’s even funnier is that my boys joined me in my journey of learning their language, and converse with it every day (though we really sound funny and weird).
To cut the chase out of this, my journey of becoming a loyal fan of Choi Seung-hyun better known by his stage name T.O.P. started. A journey that even it’s inappropriate for my age today, I wanted to continue. A journey that made my family ties more fun and exciting. A journey that will make me tell my friends, it’s possible to look up into someone and be inspired from their works and stories. A journey in which adults or married ladies could walk through without being ashamed of themselves. A journey that plenty others are into as well and where plenty share the same thoughts and feelings.
The journey I had that I won’t be embarrassed of.
The journey that I’m proud to share.
The journey still continues….
Photo Source: T.O.P. @choi_seung_hyun_tttop
Friends fell for each other, is what they said our story was. For me, you are meant to meet me on the very day that we met. You are meant to exchange greetings with me. When I met you, I knew it from the start, I found my forever. I used to believe that forever is only found in fairy tales. I never thought that one day I would be starting a journey to my own fairy tale of forever. My friend, My best friend, My partner in crime, My lover and My soul mate. These things are what you are to me.
I know wedding rings are not that important for others, but it is for me. They said, wedding rings are just material things, that can be actually replaced by a more expensive ones when misplaced. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! I don’t think the same. A wedding ring, is the only material thing, that I don’t want to be replaced. It’s the most important thing that symbolizes the start of my fairy tale. Our wedding ring, the only tangible sign of our love for each other (a thought that I always have!).
The little things are the ones always being neglected. Remember; big things start from small ones. Treasure even the tiniest material that stands in for your relationship right now. For when you are already in the middle of your journey to forever, you’ll have those things to remind you of how everything began, during those Once upon a time.
I am the eldest of four children, among the four I am the only one who looks different. I have a different body build, a darker colour, I have different hair strands. I grew up knowing that my features were different from the family I … Continue reading A Proud Self
Greetings of Love!
Hi, welcome! I’m Kaze, a 30-something lady from somewhere in Asia. A wife to a loving and hard working husband. A mother of an only child, a 10-year old boy.
I am a stay at home mum, working on-line to ensure the quality of time I have for my boys. I am not a good house maker, can’t call myself one either. I don’t know how to cook, do the laundry and even wash plates. Well, if there are times I needed to do that, I can actually, but not as how other mothers would do it, but as a teenager who had to live alone because she ran away from home. However, I am still proud to say that I am a good wife and a mother, being excellent in household chores is not the only basis of how well you can run your home. I have helping hands at home of course, to manage the daily chores. My biggest role is to make sure my boys are always happy, loved and well fed (even if it’s not my cooking). I make sure they don’t feel insecure seeing other mums doing well in the kitchen. I am good with almost any games boys would do, I am just like my son’s best friend and my husband’s drinking buddy.
I am a K-Pop, K-Drama avid fan. I love every single bit of them. And above all of those K-Pop groups, I am a loyal follower of BIGBANG, especially their power rapper T.O.P. My recent interests are eating Korean food, learning their language, culture and trying to live with their proverbs. I’ve been dreaming to visit Seoul, South Korea, and soon I know I will.
Well, lets talk about this blog. In this blog you will be reading posts all about life, of how we perceive it, how we see it differently from each other. I’ll be posting inspiring words from time to time. Stories of life, hardships success and how they managed to do it, it may be my story, your story and theirs. You’ll be able to read here also how the K-Pop group BIGBANG inspired me in various ways, thinking of what my age is today.
Visit me again if you have time. I’m definite I won’t bore you, because I love talking (even if it is through writing). I love to tell stories of anything under the sun and I share what I know, all the time!